…and welcome to my blog? This is absolutely my first venture into something like this. I’m no stranger to blogging on various platforms, but I am new to wordpress, and also anonymous sex blogging. Speaking of, let’s address that, shall we?
I want to be clear from the start here. If you’re looking for porn or erotica, you’ve come to the wrong place, friend. This is a personal blog, with the primary purpose of giving me a space to express my thoughts and anxieties about sex.
I’m in my mid-20s and I lost my virginity at 21, relatively late, I know. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 2 years, and will hopefully be for the foreseeable future (we’re very happy). So, why start this now?
That’s…kind of the question I hope to answer through exploration. See, historically, I’ve always been a very sexual person. I’m the first person to bring up “let’s play never have I ever,” I love listening to people’s sexcapades, and I love reading erotica and watching porn. My boyfriend (let’s just get this out of the way – he is absolutely lovely, patient, kind and understanding – no complaints there at all) and I have historically had amazing sex. So amazing, in fact, that we’ve always been open to exploring various kinks that we’ve always wanted to try. What could go wrong?
Enter internalized shame and anxiety. Even now, I have trouble articulating exactly how deep-rooted this is in me, but the long and short of it is, my sex drive has been much more limited than usual the past year. I’ve explored with my therapist and with my partner, and I’ve safely concluded that it’s NOT because I’m not attracted to or in love with my partner anymore. Far from it – I feel more deeply connected with him than ever. I think, perhaps, he and I may have just gotten excited and pushed my kinks too hard before I was ready.
I want to please him and I want to honor my own feelings and desires, but there’s so much to wade through to get there. For example, with exhibitionism. Is my body adequate? Are others judging it? Will someone I know see me? Does this make me dirty? Does this interfere with my other identities as a person, which may not be so kinky? Does inviting other people into our (metaphorical) bedroom make this relationship non-monogamous, and if so, what does that mean? Will it lead to boundaries being removed and him being with someone other than me (spoiler alert: we’ve discussed this, and it’s almost certainly a no, but that doesn’t stop anxiety). Will I be enough for him?
My hope with this blog is to get out these thoughts and more, and hopefully receive some normalization and validation. If anyone happens across this and knows of any sex-positive and/or kink-friendly blogs I should follow, please feel free to steer me in that direction. Until next time…